| Please no |
[09 Apr 2008|10:22am] |
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I'm worried. Really worried. I'm scared that I might be slipping back. It's not that anything is really going wrong, but nothing's getting better like I want it to. Like, I have gotten better, but I still have to deal with my mistakes every day. I have constant reminders showing me how bad I was. I just feel like I'm never going to get away from this. Recently I haven't been able to get my mind off of everything. I'm going back to those feelings of hopelessness. I thought I'd be happier now because the other day I finally told my mom about my arm. And she's fine with it. So I don't really have to hide that anymore. I still have to hide it from Ed though. I've had to cancel on lunch twice with him now just because it's too hot to wear a jacket. I wish I didn't have those scars. If they would just go away, I could move on easier. And I feel like I'm worthless right now. I don't have class. I'm at home all day every day. I've been away from music for so long I feel like I suck completely at it. I'm just not going anywhere with my life right now and it sucks. I hope this weekend makes me happy. It should. I just want to be happy. I hate emotions.
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[09 Apr 2008|01:57am] |
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fuck. i just freaking wrote a whole fucking paragragh on my fucking pda and it erased. fuck. i hate my life. lol.
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| =D Always look on the bright side of life! |
[05 Apr 2008|11:06am] |
Omg...Spamalot was amazing! I'm exhausted now because yesterday and today have had something going on non-stop. But wow, Spamalot was hilarious. They spoofed Holy Grail and lots of Broadway shows. It was great! My whole family and everyone else in the theater were laughing so hard. One of the best parts- because they were in Alabama. "We are no longer the knights who say Ni. We are now the knights who say Ecky ecky ecky zoobang, marco, YEA ALABAMA! CRIMSON TIDE! (something else UA related...I don't know because I was clapping and screaming too loud) ROOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLL TIDE ROLL!!!" And then I screamed and clapped even more. But wow. It was so great. It went along with The Holy Grail for the most part. But it was perfect for Broadway. You know how the same actors in Monty Python play multiple parts in the movie? Well, they do the same thing for the play. For example, John Cleese plays Lancelot, the French Taunter, and others. Well, they guy who plays Lancelot in the play does that part, the French Taunter, and whatever else. It's really cool. And now I have on my calendar to see Avenue Q at the BJCC in December and Wicked there next April. I had a good weekend so far.
Life's a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you. And always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the right side of life...
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| Can't wait til the semester's over |
[04 Apr 2008|09:03am] |
Believe it or not, only having one class really sucks. You get bored easily. Day after day I get up and just take my time with everything. I sit on the couch with my computer and the TV in front of me. When I feel the need, I run errands or clean. It gets old. I never thought I'd look forward to this summer where all I'll do is work. I'll work every day if I have to. I fucked myself over this year. But at least it's almost over. After this I can go back to being normal. Next year it'll be Melissa that sits around the apartment cleaning and whatever. And this summer she'll be all by herself. And she'll get to see how incredibly lonely it gets. I feel sorry for her. But maybe she'll finally see why I always want to be around my friends in the evenings.
I have 14 hours next semester. I think I'm going to enjoy being a psych major. Even just because I don't have to take 17 or 18 hours every semester for as long as I'm here. I could have added on an extra class, but I decided not to. 14 hours will be a big shock compared to 3 hours that I'm at now. Plus I'll have band (possibly being a section leader) and Biology and Psych Stats. Math and Science on top of band after a year of no classes really. Yeah, I think I'll be pretty busy. But I'm looking forward to it. I won't be as social as this year since I'll be living off campus with Melissa. (I doubt anybody will come over really.) So I won't have really any distractions. That will be nice. My biggest thing will probably be Preston. I'll have to make sure I don't go back the way I was with him. Staying up all night and sleeping all day. As fun as that was and all. But I think me and him have grown up a bit this semester. But we'll see.
Sooooo....after work I get to head back to Rose, take a shower, eat lunch, and pack. This afternoon, Ed and I will head to Birmingham to meet my parents. Ed's Christmas present to them (and us) was tickets to see Spamalot. So my parents got reservations at Embassy Suites (NICE) so we don't have to drive all night back to Tuscaloosa. I'm looking forward to it. Ed loved Spamalot when he saw it last year. I think it'll be great. And then I'll get to sleep in a nice, big bed tonight. No sleeping on the floor for me! Sucks being the youngest when the family gets a hotel. The youngest gets the floor. Oh well.
God, I need an energy drink so bad. I tried to get sleep last night, but I couldn't fall asleep or stay asleep. I couldn't fall asleep right away because I started thinking about the crap from when I was a kid that's fucked me up so bad in the head. And I started to get a little emotional, so I went to the living room to watch TV until I was extremely tired. I think I finally fell asleep around 1. But I woke up at 3-something. Then I woke up again at 5:30 because I had a really bad nightmare. It really freaked me out somehow. I think it was because I watched A Haunting for the first time in a while yesterday. But the dream started with me in my room at Rose. Melissa walks in scared, saying that she thinks there's an evil spirit or something in our place. And since Melissa is into that kind of stuff, believing in ghosts or whatnot, I just kind of went along with it just to calm her down. I didn't really believe her. But I had a small little bottle of holy water that I brought back from Mobile, so I starting sprinkling randomly around. I did it in my room, the hallway and then in the living room. But then I ran out. So with what was left on my fingers, I blessed myself and then Melissa. But then when I did it to Melissa, I all of a sudden got terrified and so did she. We ran to the couch and covered ourselves with blankets. And I was just curled up there shaking. Then I heard Melissa yell "LANDON!" and then I heard Landon screaming. Then I saw a shadow pass over me and stop right in front of my face. And that's when I woke up. It doesn't sound like much, but that dream scared the crap out of me. I was afraid to get out of my bed, but I was also afraid to fall back asleep. So I turned on the TV and watched it a little and finally after a while I convinced myself to get a little more sleep since I had to wake up at 6:30 anyway. Now that I think back on it, I don't think the whole "ghost" thing was the part that scared me. I think it was that I 1. hadn't had a dream that I remembered in a long time. and 2. I had no control over this dream. I almost always have control over my dreams. I can stop, rewind, and change things as much as I want. But this one just went. Yeah, I think that's the part that freaked me out the most. Even most of my nightmares I have control over. But not this one. Yeah, I think I'd like to go a while without having a memorable dream again.
I hate having my crush on boy. I tried so hard to stop. I tried to be mean to him and everything. I was a bit bitchy at times. And for a while, I thought it worked. But no. I still have a pretty decent crush. And it sucks. But whatever. I guess I'll just learn to deal with it. I pray every night that I'd stop liking him. It's kind of stupid to pray for something like that, but I don't care. So I guess we'll just see where this goes. It's not like it's a big deal or anything. It doesn't run my life. It's just a little something extra on the side. It's cool.
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[29 Mar 2008|10:24am] |
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So….interesting news: I got into a wreck with 4 other cars last night! Yeah. I was leaving Dustin and Tim’s place with Melissa, Joshua, Kayla, and Dustin. We were heading over to Rose just to hang out since Tim and Jason won’t turn the A/C on at their place. I was actually riding in the back seat because I wasn’t feeling well, so Melissa was driving. We stopped at the intersection of Hackberry and 15th, right next to the Checkers. All of a sudden we hear screeching tires and the car behind us slams into us, causing my car to run into the car in front of us. Well, apparently a girl was on her cell phone. Yeah. Smart move. She slammed into the Impala behind us who slammed into me making me hit the car in front of me who hit the car in front of him. I think my car has the worst damage. Her hood is bent up and the grill on her car is kind of messed up. The Impala has dents on the front where he slammed into me. My back in is smashed in and my front bumper is only slightly messed up. The 2 cars in front don’t really have any damage. But everybody was ok. Kayla and Joshua had headaches. Melissa got burned on her arm from the steering wheel (yeah, airbags didn’t deploy) and hurt her back and maybe her leg a little I think. I hurt my lower back and the left side of my neck is sore as anything, but that’s it. It could’ve been a lot worse. But yeah, 3 officers were on the scene and on Wednesday I have to go by the police station to fill out paperwork and get all this stuff taken care of. So the bus company that hit me a few weeks ago doesn’t have to do anything anymore since the whole bumper’s going to have to be replaced now. I don’t seem to be having good luck with this car…. 
 
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| Hey DUSTIN |
[27 Mar 2008|09:12pm] |
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Hey! Can you get me my Sims back before you head to Dothan? And! Even more importantly- Could you possibly get Apples to Apples for me from Gregg???? Please???? I really really wanna get everybody together here to play. Call me or text me sometime. I'll be at work til noon tomorrow. L8r.
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| All smiles! |
[25 Mar 2008|10:43am] |
I've been so happy since I've been back! It's nice being back with friends again. Yesterday was actually really great! I was productive...wow. I woke up and walked to Clark Hall to start with my whole changing majors thing. Got the forms for declaring a major and a minor, then I filled them out and took them to Gordan Palmer (psych) and Moody (music). And tomorrow I get to meet with an advisor to figure out the classes I need to take next semester. Also, last night Kayla, Tim, Melissa, Jason, and I went to see the movie Shutter. Yeah, it was predictable and kind of sucked a little, but it was ok. We had lots of good laughs. Oh! Almost forgot. I checked my P.O. box yesterday! I got my passport finally! Yay! And! Even better- I got a postcard from Garrett! I was beginning to think that he wouldn't be able to write me back since I wrote him at the very beginning of the school year. But he wrote back. And it made my day. So now I have to work on a new letter to him. And I have a new address to send it to, so that way it won't take so long next time.
So today I don't have too much planned. In a few hours I'm going to go with Ed to get estimates for my car finally. Then I have to figure out how to fax it to the bus company. But that's about it for today I think. I'm just really happy to be back into the swing of things here. And I'm extremely happy that I'm finally getting things right again. Once I get my classes and my car taken care of, I really don't think I'll have any more things wrong with my life. Yay!
I'm just in a good mood right now. :)
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| Eggs are poop |
[20 Mar 2008|12:55am] |
Found this on a website after I failed to balance an egg.
Balancing an Egg?
An old wives' tale says that on the equinoxes, when the Earth is "balanced" and all things are equal, it is possible to balance an egg on one end. The truth is that it is possible to balance an egg on its end any day of the year, provided you have a steady hand.
I stayed up for nothing. But at least I got Ed and Corbin doing it too. lol
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| Random boring ramblings |
[19 Mar 2008|11:43pm] |
So....Spring Break still sucks. I guess I'd appreciate it more if I was actually being productive at school. But that's my fault, I know. I've been dealing with my mistakes for quite a while now. It's a bitch, but whatever. So normally, I'd be heading to bed now. But I'm staying up tonight because I'm a dork. I'm staying up til about 1 so that at 12:48 I can balance an egg. It's the start of spring or whatever. I'm going to balance an egg just to say I did it. This is how bored I am here. Actually, I'd probably do it no matter what. I'm just stupid.
Update on the depression thing: fine. No news. Lol. Still happy for the most part.
So No-Wanger. Still texting me, IMing me, messaging me on Facebook.
Redneckboy20006 (11:14:03 pm): hey
killerrabbit898 (11:14:06 pm): hey
Redneckboy20006 (11:14:14 pm): sup
killerrabbit898 (11:14:20 pm): just bored
killerrabbit898 (11:14:22 pm): u?
Redneckboy20006 (11:22:28 pm): nothin muchh thinkin of u
killerrabbit898 (11:22:38 pm): coulda guessed that
Redneckboy20006 (11:23:54 pm): yea i like u
killerrabbit898 (11:24:02 pm): yeah i know
Redneckboy20006 (11:24:15 pm): its bad too
killerrabbit898 (11:24:19 pm): really
Redneckboy20006 (11:24:43 pm): yea cause i feel un wanted
killerrabbit898 (11:24:58 pm): i told you to just find somebody else for the time being
Redneckboy20006 (11:25:09 pm): yea but want u
killerrabbit898 (11:25:17 pm): but that's not gonna happen
Redneckboy20006 (11:25:30 pm): u got another guy
killerrabbit898 (11:25:40 pm): you know the answer to that
Redneckboy20006 (11:26:55 pm): yea
And omg...
Redneckboy20006 (11:51:00 pm): im horny
killerrabbit898 (11:51:33 pm): and i need to know that because? go jerk off or something
Redneckboy20006 (11:52:08 pm): i wanna spread your legs apart and lick your?
killerrabbit898 (11:52:50 pm): yeah, i'm not in the mood for this...l8r
Redneckboy20006 (11:53:07 pm): ok im sorry
Redneckboy20006 (11:53:14 pm): how was your day
Redneckboy20006 (11:53:27 pm): ann please
Redneckboy20006 (11:53:39 pm): ????
Geez...Yeah, Anne's gonna stop being nice now. Stupid jerk doesn't even know how to spell my name
Haha...Ed just saw what he wrote. Hahaha...he's not happy.
So anyway. I went shopping today. Only things on my list were a white sweater and red heels so I can wear them with a dress of mine on Easter. Well, I got the sweater easy enough. But the heels were a different story. I went to every shoe place at this outlet mall. Found the perfect pair. Not in the right color in my size. And that one pair were the only ones good enough. So I was disappointed. Oh well though. My mom's taking me to a different mall tomorrow to try again. I only dress up twice a year: Christmas and Easter. So I want to look good.
Well I guess I'm going to find something else to waste time now.
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| Spring Break Bust |
[17 Mar 2008|10:10pm] |
Soooooo....I'm more than ready to get back to Tuscaloosa. And it's kind of sad because I've only been here a little over 3 days. I'm going to try to keep myself occupied from here on out.
I really miss all my friends. I'm more than ready to get back to normal life. It just sucks not having any friends at all around. Melissa and Grant and Joshua are together. Kayla has Kristen (her best friend from home). And I have my family and that's it. I love my family of course, but it's nice to occasionally hang out with friends. Oh well.
NoWanger keeps texting me. Always with "hey sexy". Geez man, give it up already.
So now, because I'm bored, I think I'm going to end up doing an assload of surveys on myspace. I need a book to read or something.
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| shawty got low low low low low low low low |
[14 Mar 2008|07:06am] |
Maybe I'm listening to Low right now? Maybe? (Shawty had them apple bottom jeans, boots with the furrr) To steal Joshua's phrase- I'm a chocolate cake with white icing. lol
Anyway! Past few days have been interesting. Some frustrating, some amazing! I guess I'll start with the most random thing though. So remember that guy that was kind of retarded? No-wanger (his tuba nickname). Yeah, well he IMed again the other day. I swear this guy really needs to get him some so he can leave me the hell alone. For some strange reason I'm still nice to him. I'm polite or whatever. Try to let him down easy. He's just so persistant. Kind of obsessive actually. Maybe I'm nice because I feel sorry for him because he's so obviously dumb. Maybe next time he'll catch me on a bad day when I don't feel like dealing with stupid people. At least we still get a laugh out of it every time he talks to me.
So, how about the amazing news now? Melissa got a call from Delview the other day. WE GOT OUR APARTMENT!!! We're so happy. I was screaming and jumping around our place yesterday. Maybe I overreacted a little, but hey, we were ecstatic. So we get to sign the lease today after I get off work. So after this afternoon, we will officially have Rivercliff Apartment C-1. Whoo!!!! I'll post pictures as soon as they clean it and we get to go in. But it has a nice living room with a dining room area and a pretty good sized kitchen. It comes with a washer and dryer in the place and me and Melissa will have our own bathrooms and just share a shower. Her bedroom is a good deal bigger than mine, but I'm being nice and letting her have it 1. because she's never had her own room before 2. she has no real home, so she has a lot more stuff than I do. And she also will have her boy coming to visit every now and then, so those weekends the room will be occupied by 2. Though, I'll probably be living with Preston or Dustin those weekends. I don't really want to be hearing noises through the wall. But I'm just so excited.
Ready for the frustrating news? ok. Ready, set, go!
(...I might be sleep deprived a bit...deal with it)
So, last week, I finally told my parents about my lack of classes this semester. They were actually ok with it. I was afraid they were going to be furious, but they seemed fine. They even promised not to really talk about it with me. Well, I got an e-mail this week from them saying they wanted to make sure the University wouldn't kick me out before next year. They wanted to know for sure before I signed the lease for the apartment. They told me to e-mail Ann Webb, the dean of A&S. No problem. So I e-mailed her with my situation and asked if the University would kick me out. She e-mailed me back saying she could only give me a general answer because she couldn't discuss my records via e-mail. But she did say "The University does not bar enrollment for fall semester because of the number of hours attempted in the preceding semester." Sounds like a good answer, right? Well, apparently not. ...This is where it starts getting frustrating for me. Apparently my mom wanted to hear that I, personally, without a doubt will be able to return. Ok. Fine. So I e-mailed Dr. Prickett. She's my advisor, and she already knows everything that's going on with me. So I e-mailed her with that question along with others including the possibility of switching majors. And while I was waiting for her reply, that's when we got approved at Delview and found out we needed to sign the lease by today. Well, I started getting a little worried. What if I didn't get an answer? So I semi-argued with my mom about it, and she gave in and said I could probably sign the lease anyway, since I'd probably have 72 hours to get out of it. Well I got an answer from Dr. Prickett saying I should just go tackle the lines at the A&S building and get set up with a new advisor and he/she could tell me my returning status. Alright. Well. I talk to my mom about everything. She wanted me to make Melissa do a bunch of running around with the lease while I was at work so that I could go to Clark Hall after work and wait there for hours and eat chips or something for lunch on the way over there and then not be able to leave to go home until later in the afternoon even though they already bought tickets for me to go somewhere tonight in Mobile. I end up telling her exactly how I feel about this whole deal. It's unfair on my part because I did what they wanted, but it wasn't good enough. I've been working all semester on getting my life back together and they just dropped this new load on my plate, and I'm sorry, but I'm still on the road to recovery and I can only handle so much. And I was sure the University would let me back. I mean, I'm not even on Academic Probation. I have a 2.9 GPA. Not bad. I'm so sure, that I'm willing to take out a student loan to pay for my apartment if I did get kicked out. Well for some reason, my mom got pissed at me for speaking my mind and hung up on me. So I had to call my dad later that night and reason things out with him. So now, I can go ahead and sign the lease today no matter what. He will try calling Ann Webb, and if he can't get in touch with her, I'll go by Clark Hall and see if it's busy. If not, I'll go talk to someone and get proof that I can come back next year.
I'm still pretty upset that my parents are overreacting like this. But I know they've just never dealt with a failure in the family before. Wait, I'm not a failure. I'm just not quite up to their expectations. Whatever. I've dealt with that all my life. That's why I'm not letting them get to me too much.
Soooo.... I only got 5 hours of sleep last night. And I still have to pack, have lunch, and then drive 4 hours home. Holy crap...it just all of a sudden started pouring outside. It wasn't even really cloudy when I walked over here at 7. Awesome. OK. I think my brain's finally pretty much empty.
P.S. AMATEUR SURGEON ON ADULTSWIM.COM SUCKS BUTT BECAUSE I CAN'T GET PAST THIS ONE GUY. AND HE SUCKS AND I HATE IT AND IT SUCKS. Ok. I'm done.
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[13 Mar 2008|06:20pm] |
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WOW! So i got out my old pda. and i figured out how to get online. this is cool!
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[10 Mar 2008|02:50pm] |
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i just want someone to talk to
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| Boy |
[04 Mar 2008|11:09pm] |
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So, I'm getting really annoyed. I just wish I could stop. I know nothing's going to happen, so why can't I just move on? I wish I could talk to somebody about it. I've thought about telling him over Spring Break so he'd have time to get over it, but I know it would just not work out. It's kind of starting to suck a bit though. Oh well. Nothing really that I can do.
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| Robert Guilfoil |
[03 Mar 2008|05:48pm] |
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Does anybody remember the Guilfoils? Robert and Michael? Well, I got a call from Michael this morning. Apparently Robert died. He had a motorcycle accident. He hit a guard rail. That's all Michael told me. He asked me to pass the word along, so if you know anybody you could tell, that would help.
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| Boy |
[26 Feb 2008|10:17pm] |
I keep telling myself not to get interested....but it's not working. Every day, more and more. It just seems like it could be great! I mean, his personality is just amazing. He's so sweet and innocent and kind. We have so much in common. He makes me happy. I always smile when he's around. And he's Catholic! I've finally found a good Catholic boy. But I can't have him. I guess I'm stuck in the "friend zone" with him. He's hung up on his other friend from high school. So I'm out of the picture. But sometimes I wish. Sometimes I just want to tell him. Just so he knows. I don't care if I get something out of it or not. But I don't want to tell him because I think he'd end up being weird around me. I just wish I could read minds. I wish I could know if he's even just considered the idea. But oh well. It's cool. I'm happy no matter what.
(Did you get that? I'm happy no matter what. Awesome, right?!)
Oh yeah, because I'm only taking 3 hours, I can't go to the health center for anti-depressants and I can't go to the counseling center anymore. Whoo!
But it's ok I think. Because I'm really getting better. I pretty much feel like my old self again. Yeah, I've still got a lot of stuff hidden from my parents and I'm still trying to fix everything I messed up, but I'm generally happy now. And that is the best thing in the world.
I wish I could have Boy. Maybe he's just too good for me. It would just be really nice. But I know I can't have everything I want. And to be honest, I don't think my roommates are too into the idea of me and him. That's ok I guess. I mean, if they really have a problem with it, then I'll listen to them. Because I know friends most of the time are a better judge of that stuff than you are. Good to have outside opinions. I just really like boy. He makes me happy. :)
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| University. Fucktards. Ugh. |
[18 Feb 2008|09:44am] |
So, me and Melissa haven't had internet for about 3 weeks now. But Kayla does. Well, someone finally came by to deal with it. I didn't really need them to fix mine though, because I've been picking up on wireless, so I'm fine. Mel has an old desktop, so she can't. Well apparently the University shut off our internet because of file sharing. I got an e-mail a while back saying they'd shut it off if I didn't delete the software. Well I just deleted that e-mail because I didn't care. They caught me for a download I made first semester last year. Well, Melissa didn't get an e-mail at all. And they said this was the second time they had to shut her internet off. She doesn't even have that software anymore. Last time she downloaded something was the beginning of the summer. So she's pissed. I'm fine because as you can see, I still have internet. I guess maybe I can see the University's side on this whole thing. But I still think it's retarded.
I kick ass at Pictionary and Taboo. I've played 6 games of Pictionary and 3 games of Taboo this weekend. I lost 1 game of Taboo by 1 point. And that was just because my partner and me couldn't connect. But all my other partners and me did. Me and Kayla together are unbeatable. And that's why our friends won't let us be on the same team anymore. Sucks. Oh well.
THIS SLEEP SCHEDULE THING BLOWS. I was like a zombie all day yesterday because my lack of sleep has finally caught up to me. It's harder now to wake up early, but I still can't sleep at night. It sucks balls. I just want 8 hours of sleep one night. That's all I'm asking for. Just 8. And 8 straight hours. None of this waking up in the middle of the night mess.
I'm sick of drama. And it's not even my drama for once.
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| This might be a long one...we'll see |
[15 Feb 2008|08:41am] |
I'm at work. And I forgot to bring a movie. Usually that's what keeps me occupied for the first 2 hours of my shift. So I figured I'd just waste time by updating. I'm listening to an old cd of mine from 4 years ago. Wow. I just heard "Girl All the Bad Guys Want" and now it's on "Gossip Folks". Ah, the memories of highschool. Listening to loud rap music with Kellie in her pea soup green car. Singing the never-ending song with David for over an hour. Or was is closer to 2 hours? I just know I had a sore throat the rest of the day. Those were good times. And now we all have to be kinda growing up and stuff. Sucks. Well, except for the fact that I have a lot of freedom now. That's nice. Maybe one day I'll leave college, but I don't think it'll be any time soon. :) I like it here. (And I've completely wasted a year of my life, so I have to make up for that...)
My yesterday was good. I was hoping it wouldn't suck, being V-Day and all. It turned out to be really good. I woke up at 9:30 because of my new sleep schedule. (I'll get into that later.) And I took my time getting ready. It was just me at the room. I played a little Kingdom Hearts 2. Watched tv. Around noon John called me to get some lunch at Crimson Cafe. So me and him had lunch. Ended up hanging out there for around 2 hours. So that was fun. I hadn't hung out with him since the bowl game. After that I had a little time with Kayla at the room, then I headed to the Ferg to get my mail. My mom gave me a Valentine's Day card with a Target gift card for $20. I think I'll save it to buy something for her for Mother's Day. And I got a package. Turned out to be the guitar strings I ordered!! Yeah, I was happy. I haven't been able to play guitar in about 2 weeks. So anyway, after that I headed to class. It was the first time me and Nic both showed up. So it was nice talking to her for a while. But then I got back to my room and relaxed for oh, maybe 5 minutes. Because then me, Kayla, Joshua, and Tim Pirkle headed out to Arby's and a movie. I liked my singles date night. We had fun. We saw Step Up 2. Yeah, I enjoyed it. Joshua kept talking the whole time, but he was making me laugh, so it was ok. He's got this thing where he likes to name people. Like his roommates are Kashi (he's Korean) and Blacky (just take a guess). So he named the kid next to him Cheeseburger and the kid's date Carrot. I don't know. Anyway, the movie was great. Me and Joshua made our sex noises and sang along to Low (you know, the apple bottom jeans boots with the fur song). After the movie, we tried to find cds of mine with rap on it because the movie put us in that kind of mood. I have a serious lack of that kind of music. But then we headed out to Tim/Dustin/Jason's place. That was fun. Watched the boys argue. And then watched Dustin and Pirkle kick Tim and Jason's ass at Halo. I fell asleep on Dustin's bed which was amazing because they kept yelling all the time. Oh well. But yeah, that was my day yesterday. Pretty good. I didn't have to really deal with couples at all. I just hung out with all my single friends.
So about that sleep schedule thing. My last meeting with my counselor was good. We discussed some steps to start this new healthy life. One of those steps is to start a sleep schedule. I now have a sleep diary and everything. It's just this form I fill out every morning when I get up. See, the wonderful thing about depression is it doesn't just make you sad all the time. It has lots and lots and lots of other things with it that don't make life easier. For me, I have insomnia now. And it's so much fun because the depression causes the insomnia which doesn't help get rid of the depression, so it's just a happy little circle. So now I have rules to follow.
- I have to only go to bed when I'm tired. But we're going to aim for getting that about 1:00 because I'm now supposed to wake up at 9 every day. I can't sleep past 10 ever.
- I can't exercise, eat a lot, smoke, or drink alcohol 2 hours before I go to bed.
- I can't have caffeine past 3 in the afternoon
- I can't nap past 3 in the afternoon. Now that one would seem easy to some, but my good ol' depression hits me with major fatigue when I have a little crashing episode, so I usually nap. Yeah. Not anymore.
- If I don't fall asleep 20 minutes after going to bed, I have to go to the living room and do something until I get tired.
- I can't use my bed for anything except sleeping (or sex, but I don't do that, so I'm good.) So no more watching tv in bed.
I don't know how long I'll be doing my sleep diary, but I have to follow those rules for a long time. At least until I get better. Poop. Going to bed at a reasonable hour and waking up by 10 every day....no fun.
I think I finally ran out of things to talk about.
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| My last night |
[10 Feb 2008|12:28pm] |
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Well, my last night was fun. Interesting. Me and Kayla went to 4th and 23rd to see a band called 95 Reasons. Her friend, Nicole is dating the drummer. Kayla and I got there early So we wouldn't have to pay the $5 cover. We're cheap. Get over it. We just sat around talking until Nicole and Jeff showed up. And then we talked to them for a while. Nobody was showing up to the bar. Apparently Jupiter was having some big dance thing. Whatever. The band started around 11. Us girls just sat at our table watching them. Laughing at drunk people in the bar. We talked to the band when they took their break. And guess what!! They played Breakfast at Tiffany's just for me!!! Oh it made me so happy. I was in the bathroom when they started playing and I ran out as soon as I heard them. Nicole even said she'd get the band to let me play guitar on a song if I wanted to. Yeah, of course I didn't want to. And a great thing about last night was because we got there early, we didn't get the arm bands for drinking. And Nicole was on the band's tab. So Nicole could get free drinks for us. And I got them too because they weren't checking us. So I started off with a nice Jaeger Bomb. Then moved on to a Sex on the Beach. Then an old friend of Nicole's came over to our table. Apparently he thought me and Kayla were cute. But I was too young, so that was out of the question. (He's 23.) But Kayla was definitely a possibility. So he bought all of us a round of Jaeger Bombs. He was really interested in Kayla, but didn't have the guts to talk to her. So I switched seats with Kayla so they could be by each other. But that didn't do much. So me and Nicole went to the stage to dance a little so the 2 lovebirds could be alone. And they hit it off. He now has her number! So....Kayla gets hit on by a cute latino ex-marine. And who do I get hit on? The creepy old drunk guy in overalls. Yeah. Apparently he wanted to go skinny dipping with me in Lake Tuscaloosa and go eat boiled eggs and grits at his place. And that was my cue to leave. Me and Kayla were both a bit tipsy. That's the most she's drank in that short span of time. We both had three drinks in about an hour or so. So anyway, lucky Kayla has a possible boy in her future. Nicole said he's probably going to ask her out to see another band on Friday. Kayla said me and her would probably be going anyway. Well....this might sound mean, but unless I get someone else to go with us, I don't think I'm going to go. Because it would be me there with Kayla and her guy, and then Nicole and Jeff. So I'd be the 5th wheel. So I need to find someone to go with or else I'll just be Kayla's ride for the evening. I don't mind just dropping her off there though. So we'll see what happens. But anyway, my night last night was great. Free drinks. Breakfast at Tiffany's. And lots of drunk people to laugh at. Good night.
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| I can't believe it still hurts like this |
[09 Feb 2008|11:11am] |
Welllll..... I'm at work right now. "Work". And I'm having to listen to Skillet with headphones because some professor is using the spare room up here for his kid's birthday party. Ugh.... But I'm only working for an hour today, so that's good.
Well not much new is going on in my life. Working hard to get my life back into shape. I have 2 classes. One of them I really want to just drop because I'm not going to need it anyway. And it's a 300 level class. Was only taking it for Music Therapy, but now that I've pretty much decided that I'm not going to do that anymore, I don't see the point other than to just have more hours for this semester. But I'm already below full time, so why keep it? I don't know. Oh well. I still go. But my other class is psychology. And I love it. We had a test on Thursday. I actually started studying for it on Tuesday. So I hope I did well. That class makes me happy.
Counseling is going ok. Last week was my first real "lets sit down and work on some of these problems" session. Since the first 2 were just screenings kind of. But yeah, it was so emotionally draining. I actually felt exhausted after. And I didn't even cry or even get really sad at all. I just had to really open up and take a good look at all the crap that's gone on in my life. He had me open some doors that had been closed for a very long time. And I actually am not happy about that. Because now I keep thinking about my past. It's like my mind has gone from worrying about recent events to remembering all that from back then. And I can't sleep at night. Kind of sucks. Oh well. I'm sure I'll get fixed in time.
I told my mom about the depression and the counseling. She didn't seem to have any particular emotion towards it all. And I guess that's ok. I'm not really sure what I was expecting her to feel. As far as I know, I'm the first person in my family to get this bad. I had to tell her because I had to ask for money to pay for anti-depressants. She was really concerned about me getting addicted to them. So I'm supposed to talk to my guy about exactly when I stop taking them. I don't even have them yet. That's what we're going to talk about next Wednesday. At least maybe we won't talk about my past.
Oh! Just remembered. My counselor told me that some researchers have found that a lot of people who have IBS have had a traumatic experience in their past. Some think there's a tie there. That's pretty cool. So pretty much I can blame that past stuff on most of the things that are wrong with my brain AND my digestive system. Haha!
So, I'm working on getting a friendship back with Landon. I'm not mad anymore. I talked about it with my counselor. Realized I was using him, too. Just in a different way. So I'm working on just hanging out with him again. Hard thing is, Melissa and Kayla still hate him I think. So last night was the first time me and him hung out in a long time. We watched a basketball game and then we watched White Oleander. It was nice. I know I need him. I think he needs me too. I mean, we were eachother's best friend here at school. I want that back. I want to try to help him as much as I can. And he helps me just by making me smile. And that's more than enough.
Tonight I'm going to some bar downtown with Melissa and Kayla. Some band is playing there, so we're going to watch them play. I just hope Melissa doesn't kill the fun. Apparently her and Grant killed the fun for Kayla last year when they went. I need a night out having fun.
I wish depression had a quick fix. I'm so sick of being like this! And it's so frustrating when I can't make myself happy. At least I have happy moments. I'm not one of those people that are never happy. At least not anymore. So that's good. I live for those moments when I smile and laugh. I just want to go back to the way I was. I wasn't perfect, but I was a hell of a lot better than I am now.
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